headache+mandarin+the simpsons+pak li kopitiam

been having headache since last night.. adoi aih.. luckily the law class tis evening got cancel, if not, it'll be a rough+unpleasant time for me larr..

owh, i finally found a mandarin class that got less than 30 students in it.. FINALLY!!! and the lao-shi is fun.. so, i guess i'll be having fun in mandarin class.. the lao-shi mentioned that most chinese in Malaysia speaks Cantonese, Hakka, Hokkien and some other accent of chinese language.. which makes me realised that Mandarin is not widely spoken... but, no regret anyway.. it's great to learn other languages.. any other will be fine..

tomorrow evening got a big plan with my bro.. we're going to the cinema to watch the simpsons movie.. erm, did i spell simpsons correctly? after that off to pak li kopitiam in an attempt to devour it's chicken chop.. haha..

erm, the previous days have been relatively good.. oh, i've had my 1st lab experiment in I.A lab after almost a year.. it does brings a lot of memory.. staying at the lab until night time.. too afraid to go to the toilet by yourself.. got startled by the sound of slamming door.. walking around when aboy n ari are stuck at the instrument because they care more bout the experiment than i am.. haha..

life has been OK..

bioL..

chemistry is my passion..
i've been living it, breathing it since the past few years..
i love it..
it love me..
=)

as for the new found biology..
one word..
blerghhh... (vomitting+fainting)
that's it.. period.

p/s: lets hope i got through this sem biology..
(praying hard!!)

am i to blame?

9 years ago,
she makes the decision to leave..
then, a few months later,
she decided to come back to us..

yesterday,
in the midst of anger,
she mentioned something that makes me wonder..

9 years ago,
when she's about to leave,
she told me,
that she's not the one to blame..
i live all my life after that,
being all pissed off and angry..
if she's not to blame,
than who is?
him?
no way!!
he is the pillar of this family..
he done nothing wrong..

but after the things she said yesterday,
i realise..
that i might just be the one to blame..
i drive her to an edge that she started that forbidden and wrong 'thing'..

am i the one to blame?
is it me that causes so much pain not only to myself, but to the others?

i'm sorry if this entry is well, too personal..
i can't help myself...
=(

got in in the wrong foot..

start my english class today..
jap gi,
i happen to pronounce the word "shoot" in the class,
which my lecturer happen heard..
in response to that,
she said.. "what shoot? i shoot u nanti!!"

erm, "shoot" is like a sopan-er word..
the real thing i want to say is..
erm.. u noe wat..

so, later in the class,
she appointed me to be the class rep..
with all the things to do..
biase r kan, when u r a class rep, of course la u have to do some things yg others don't have to do..

my inner-conflict-due-to-thinking-too-much kicked in later today..
maybe she appointed me because of the word "shoot" kot..
kinda like teaching me a lesson..
a lesson to never curse in a sopan-er word..
wahahaha...

the day i sat with 3, and looking into his eyes..

i wuz as usual,
minding my own business..
and suddenly..
there he is!!
the one i've been praying not meeting or seeing..
(sbnrnyer x r jugak, but hoping that i will catch a glimpse of him from afar and he will not noticed me..)
so, as he was busy talking wit his fren,
aku pon menyelinap r senyap2.. persis ninja boy..
but then, the 2nd time i saw him..
it was too late..
he noticed me oredi!!
he asked me to join him and his fren..
aiyorkk..
i shud have walk away, but instead, i sat there with him+his fren..
bengong!!

so..
i sat in front of him,
acting like i'm cool and all..
but inside, i cud feel my heart shrinking..
i am actually going to the phase of breaking them..
all over again..
we talked bout all those crap yg we always talked about..
about the middle of the conversation i realised for SURE!!!
nothing i was hoping before is going to EVER happen between us..
i was hardly listening to the words he was saying then..
luckily, he cudn't stay for long..
(relief+emotional.. i noe!! cam syial!!)

when he left,
i kinda have to take a moment to myself and check whether i'm ok..
turns out, my heart is ok..
it doesn't shrink, or break, or bleed...
it's fine..
i'm fine..

white..

huh...
class start early tomorrow..
aiyork..
if not because of the overlapping in schedule..
i'll be snoozing off till late afternoon r tomorrow..
so much for time management..
*sigh*

finally brought the kain to make the baju kurung for the konvo..
i've choosen white..
hehehe...
excited..!!
rase cam dah nak rayer plak..

choosing the right colour..

went to nagoya today in an attempt to buy kain for my konvo+raya baju..
adoi aih..
i truly sux la in this area..
if i buy things that are beautiful from my view,
mak will said that it's not THAT beautiful..
so, i rather go tomorrow with her larr..
after all, i can't decide which colour i want to wear..
aiyark!!
i am so not gud at this shopping mopping..

erm, finished the 1st modul for degree today..
they said, my university is the only public U in the country yang ader such modul..
*sigh*
i just can't see how forcing people to go to ceramah somehow helped them developing some kind of public speaking expertise..
i mean, it is a gud thing that they are doing these modul to help their student..
but, with FORCE??
it's the thing of the heart wat..

erm, have some fun mase LDK today..
i never know plak i cud be that cheerful+bubbly with the people i'm not closed to..
pelik2..
i guess..
u just have to adapt to the surrounding la kan..

where you belong..

i just got back from my diploma mates gathering..
pergh..
penat giler!!
but, i had a fun evening..
a sense of belonging somehow kicked in this evening..
i've haven't felt like that in weeks i guess..
yea yea.. i know..
i still am complaining bout the degree and stuff..
but hell, have to do it anyway..

erm, had to bring capik to the gathering..
otherwise, i got no other ways to bring the cupcakes..
so, capik kinda sat there cam sengal..
haha..
he's definitely not one of us la kan..
bak kate aboy.. "kenape ko bawak adik ko?"

erm, had to left early..
must be home before my mak gets back from work..
malas nk jawab soalan lebih2 nanti..
hikhik..

ohh..
someone is wondering who's that particular someone that i missed..
hahaha..
u'll never found out la..
some things are better left unsaid..
hikhik..

where do broken hearts go?

i'm just so damn hurt..
tired and hurt..

(i am so going to curse a whole lot bunch right now.. shOot!!)

all the sleepless night+a WEIRD dream...

hurm,
i can't seems to recall the last time i had a really gud nite sleep..
i've been tossing and turning all night long..
for how many nights oredi..
so tired woo...
it felt like i cud have fallen asleep on my motorcycle..
then, come this horrible imagination of squeak and screams and KEBABOOOOMMMM!!!
*DARKNESS*
*DEATH*

anyway,
last night,
after all the tossing and turning trying to fall asleep..
with mel next to me sleeping like a baby..
(how i envy her got to sleep like a baby)
i did got some sleep..

and i got this WEIRDest dream..
in the dream, i am so damn happy..!!!
HAPPY GILER!!
OUT OF THIS WORLD..
then, all of a sudden, i'm awake and realised all those happiness was just a dream..
i was kinda forcing myself to sleep in order to find out bout the ending of the dream..
but hell, nothing works..

i guess, i just miss that particular someone..
*sigh*

terase bengong!!

aiyorrkk...
first day of degree.. felt like dying oredi!!
why oh why??
tis thing is hard larrr...

i wish i cud just fly away..
away..
away..

can u do it? can u? can u?

i've been having second thot but this whole degree thing for the past few weeks..
then, today, i finally realised,
there's just no more room or time for 2nd thot..
this is the real deal!!
i am actually in my first step of many towards that one paper we called a DEGREE..

back when i was a kid, my ayah always..
and i do mean ALWAYS..
told me that his children must somehow be better than him..
in education-wise, life-wise..
all those things la..
since he have his degree, i think one of the way to be better than him,
is actually having a degree of my own..
the question is, is it enuff?
will a degree of my own makes me a better person than my ayah?

well, i guess..
all he ever wanted was (and still is) for his kids to be successful in life..
will my degree be the mark of my success?
*sigh*.. i dunno.. at least, not yet..

life is so wonderful, enjoyable and yet so somehow so mysterious..
u just don't noe wat will happen next..
if there's one thing,
the most important thing in life that i've learn the past 2 decades...
it is to take one STEP at a TIME..
no more than ONE..
coz even if u stumble, u wudn't fall that hard..

(hahaha.. talking bout being optimistic!!)

the new beginning..

hurm,
registered for my degree tis morning..
altho i'm not exanctly excited bout it..
but hell, this is my fricking choice..
like it or not, i have to live with it..
makes me wonder why i make the choice at the first place..
hikhik..

apparently, for the last few months,
i have been starting a network of enemies rather than friends network..
i dunno why larr.. maybe all those times spent at home,
somehow is messing my brain.. BIG TIME!!

i'm never actually someone that knows how to keep friends..
i'm so used to walking away from friendships+relationships in my past,
that i'm no longer eager or looking forward to keep the new-found friendship i have over the years..
then, somehow, i felt kinda lonely and needed companionship..
silly me isn't it?
i knew i needed my friends..
but i just acted like i don't needed them..
i'm in a heavy battle with myself..
a battle that has been goin on for years..

i think i need a therapist..
hikhik..